I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one