@jergarl: I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that's cool.
@chuckyhead3: Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.
@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or