@shellyspivey: "I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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@realHamOnWry: My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
@lifecoachfit: The most stable relationship I've had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we've been dating for the past year.
@iphone420s: me: better check my phone for texts from friends me: *checks phone* me: better get some friends