how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
You Might Also Like
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Sending in my taxes
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.