Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
😂 amazing answer