I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You Might Also Like
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Weighing up my bread heating options
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The happy life.. 😊
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.