Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Meow
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.