[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her