I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
he’s doing your taxes
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Y’all know who you are.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.