I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.