i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.