i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out