@TuffyNyC: I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.
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@panmidwest: mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water 10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
@TuSoonShakur: [At the Amnesty International Open Summit] "OK, let's put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?" Kim Jong-un: "No rights." Raúl Castro: "Some rights." Matthew McConaughey: "All rights, all rights, all rights."
@miffedmim: I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff *hides some stuff It's maybe 35%
@Manali_Shetye5: Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off. Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!