@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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@notacroc: [1st date] Her: we should keep religion out of this *religion gets up & leaves the table* Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
@Boleyngirly: I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
@Annoyinglyhappy: Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
@FatherWithTwins: Me: *yells something Wife: I can't hear you Me: *whispers something under my breath Wife: I heard that!!