I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
When ur friends with white people
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.