I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
worst…sale…ever
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*