I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
the battle rages on
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese