You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids