Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
time machine? you mean a clock?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name