#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
this is 10/10 content no notes
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.