Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You Might Also Like
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February