Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
A new level of troll.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?