I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
time for some seasonal decor
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”