Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
December birthdays be like…
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.