Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
We’re all getting idioter.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.