if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”