@SortaBad: I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
@jwoodham: "You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."
@samuelhlowe: - Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on? - That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
@HeyoShellz: Target employee: Describe your lost item Me: It's a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside