I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.