I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
You Might Also Like
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.