I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming