I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind