I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I wanna be friends with this person
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh