Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Breaking news:
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.