I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..