I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Coffee for people with no kids
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.