@bleustreak: I want a polka band at my funeral. I'm the one who's dead, let 'em suffer.
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@Dawn_M_: My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
@FlyJ_: I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
@NurseMurderer: I told my date I was depressed. I added, "not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don't like you depressed."