I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band