i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back