I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
HOW DARE YOU
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.