I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Get in loser we’re going crying
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?