I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.