@JebTheJarhead: Her: What do you look for in a relationship? Me: A way out.

@murrman5: [tv interview] did you get upset? "that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@YesImMatt: When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@KentWGraham: “Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

@TheAlexNevil: Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.