@jonnysun: you: hey that looks like updog me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

@ComedicBust: [Commercial] "Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?" Me: YES "Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life." Me: [heavy sigh]

@armyVet1972: Boss: Can you look this up? Me: (munching on donut) Internet's closed. Boss: Oh. Me: Yeah, I think they're vacuuming it or something.

@jjhartinger: *i before e except after c. Unless you're an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

@lolajxx: Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep