@CarolineCasey: I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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@jonnysun: you: hey that looks like updog me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
@ComedicBust: [Commercial] "Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?" Me: YES "Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life." Me: [heavy sigh]
@armyVet1972: Boss: Can you look this up? Me: (munching on donut) Internet's closed. Boss: Oh. Me: Yeah, I think they're vacuuming it or something.
@jjhartinger: *i before e except after c. Unless you're an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.