I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
OH. COME. ON.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]