I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation