The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
🙋♀️
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true