@tehaveragejoel: I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.
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@david8hughes: [first day as diving instructor] Guy [from the back]: what's the signal for a shark Me: sharks don't really give signals they just show up
@causticbob: Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
@longwall26: *gets dragged out of daycare* DON'T LISTEN TO THEM! IT'S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT'S A SPOON!! IT'S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
@JElvisWeinstein: "It's a competition, I didn't come here to make friends." -- Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season's "Friendmakers".