I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.