The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I feel it
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us