Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I put the hot in psychotic.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?