I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
You Might Also Like
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…