I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
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canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Dead sexy!!
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.