Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Oh no
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.