@pakalupapito: i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
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@JohnLyonTweets: Me: I'll drink to that! Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say "Amen."
@Gre_Gone: *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me
@InternetHippo: *sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived
@G_Faylor: [pulls meatloaf out of oven] he's still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever