I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
You Might Also Like
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i think we should see other cousins
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.