[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of